This is a small gathering of Pagan jokes and humor. I came across over the years, and - unless otherwise noted - the original source and/or author is unknown.
If you have a Pagan-related joke you would like to see featured here, please send us an email.
If you've found yourself offended by anything here, be sure to visit The Cauldron's page How to Recognize Humour for a quick explanation of why that may be.
List of Jokes:
Q: How do you tell a New Age witch from a NeoPagan Witch?
A: You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch will float, whereas the New Age Witch will sink under the weight of all her overpriced crystals....
A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?"
"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.
"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course." "B-but I don't believe..."
"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.
"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks.
"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path."
"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"
"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."
"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"
"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left."
So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good." A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"
"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"
"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.
"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.
"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.
"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.
"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"
"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"
"Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on.
"Are you serious...?" he finally asked.
Satan grinned at him innocently. "Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"
Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth. Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"
Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"
10- Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9- Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8- Hard to keep flaming goat's skulls lit.
7- Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6- Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet.
5- Wailing of the damned souls in hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4- The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3- Repeated stooping motions for administering the Kiss of Shame (is difficult on the older coven members).
2- Demons smell even worse than brimstone
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY WITCHES DON'T WORSHIP SATAN...
1- Impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!!
This joke is from: http://www.ecauldron.com/humor27.php
10. Sayyyyyyy, is that a Jewish star?
9. No, then you must listen to Motley Crue, right? Not that, either? I know, it's a ... a ... Pentacost, right?
8. You guys really worship the devil, huh? Cool, I, like, listen to Black Sabbath, like, all the time, dude.
7. Oh, you're a Witch! I'm like, totally into, like, Goddess Consciousness. I sleep with a crystal every night, and have an Atlantean spirit guide. Will you teach me all the secrets of your religion?
6. I hear you Pagans do all your stuff in the nude. Wanna show me?
5. You will all burn in Hell. The Goddess is really Satan in drag. You don't believe in Satan? Boy, does he have you fooled!
4. Fascinating. I'm a sociologist; may I study you as a phenomena?
3. Do you really believe in all that nonsense?
2. You worship the Goddess? Poor thing; you obviously haven't heard about Jesus. Here, let me tell you...
And (drum roll, please):
1. You're a witch, huh? Well, I'm initiated at a higher level than you. I was initiated at the age of seven by my grandmother, who was the last of the Atlantean Trad Elvish Ninja Masters. I don't suppose YOU have any lineage.
copyright Raven Gilmartin 2000
HPS>> Before we start our initiation ritual, I have an announcement. Fluffy Moon Ferret has totally burned out her hard drive and probably won't be able to get back on line for at least two weeks
EAST>> Darn! She was going to teach us how to make cyber corn dollies next week :-(
HP>> Can I suggest that we table this and get down to business?
EAST>> Yes, sorry
HP>> We're about to start the initiation ritual. Is everyone ready?
INITIATE>> I am ready
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
NORTH>> Sorry, I had to reboot
HPS>> Ok, we are all here. Initiate, are you skyclad and ready?
INITIATE>> Not yet-- hold on, I need to get a pillow
INITIATE>> Yes, I have a metal chair here at my desk. OK-- BRB
>~~(2 minute pause)~~
INITIATE>> Ok, I am ready and skyclad
HPS>> Good, now do you have the cord?
INITIATE>> Yes, I have an orange one I got on sale at the fabric store today, is that ok?
HP>> It will have to do. OK, now, tie your hands behind your back, then bring the cord up around your neck...
INITIATE>> Ummm.... I can't do that by myself..
HPS>> Do you have anyone there to help you?
INITIATE>> Only my mom, but she would kill me if she knew what I was doing in here
HP>> OK, forget the cord. Do you have the blindfold?
INITIATE>> Yes, I do
HPS>> OK, put the blindfold on and don't peek while we cast the circle. Give us about four minutes
INITIATE>> OK, I'm going to put the blindfold on now, how will I know when you are ready for me?
HP>> Do you have an alarm clock?
INITIATE>> Yes, but it's in my room
HP>> Can you go get it?
INITIATE>> Yes, but I'd have to put my clothes on-- my mom is in the next room
HPS>> Never mind, just put on the blindfold and count to 240
>~~(4 minute pause)~~
HPS>> Maybe he got disconnected?
INITIATE>> I am here-- are you ready for me?
HPS>> Yes, the circle is cast. Do you have your sword?
HP>> Yes, while you imagine that I am holding my sword with the tip against your heart I want you to hold your sword in the same way
INITIATE>> I don't have a sword..
HP>> Do you have an athame?
HP>> Do you have anything sharp in there?
INITIATE>> There's a pen on the desk..
HP>> Ok, point the pen at your heart
HP>> How do you enter this circle?
INITIATE>> In perfect love and perfect trust
HPS>> Good, now I need to whisper the sacred words to you
HPS>> Yes, do you have two phone lines? I can call you with them
INITIATE>> No, only one?
HPS>> Ok, I'll e-mail them to you BRB
HPS has left the chat room**
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS has joined the chat room**
HPS>> Ok, I mailed them
INITIATE>> OK, I'll go look
INITIATE has left the chat room**
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
INITIATE has joined the chatroom**
INITIATE>> I can't get into my hotmail-- I keep getting a message that the servers are down
HPS>> OK, you can get them later. Now imagine that I am pushing you from behind into the circle
INITIATE>> from behind?
HPS>> Yes, kinda like you are tilted, I am holding on to the cord. Oh wait.. no cord.. ok, just pretend I am pushing you into the circle
HPS>> Now we are going to go around the circle three times.
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS>> Now we're stopping in front of the altar and I am holding the scourge
HP>> You must kneel at the altar while the High Priestess scourges you
INITIATE>> Do you want me to imagine that I am kneeling in front of the altar or do you really want me to kneel in front of my computer?
HP>> Can you kneel and still see the screen?
HPS>> If he kneels he must also put his head down on the floor
HP>> Well, I guess he can't kneel then
HPS>> Yes, he can, I have an idea. Initiate--kneel and put your head to the floor and imagine that I am scourging you
HPS>> I am now scourging you
>~~(2 minute pause)~~
HPS>> Initiate you must now scourge me twice as many times
>~~(1 minute pause)
INITIATE>> I am here, now what do I need to do?
HP>> You must imagine that you are scourging the High Priestess
WEST>> I need to go-- the baby woke up and needs to be fed
HP>> Can you feed him at the computer?
WEST>> Yes, I'll bring him back here with me. North, can you cut me a door?
>~~( 1 minute pause)~~
WEST>> I really need to go-- the baby is crying
NORTH>> Sorry, I had to reboot
HP>> Can you cut West a door? NOW?
NORTH>> OK, all set
WEST has left the chatroom**
HPS>> Ok, should we continue or wait until West comes back?
SOUTH>> I think we should continue
EAST>> We should wait
WEST has joined the chatroom**
WEST>> I am back, North can you cut me back in?
>~~( 1minute pause)~~
NORTH>> Sorry, I had to reboot. West you are all set
HP>> Ok, where were we?
HPS>> The initiate has to scourge me. I am going to kneel down here now, and imagine that he is applying the scourge
INITIATE>> Ok, I am imagining that I am scourging the High Priestess
>~~( 2 minute pause)~~
INITIATE>> I am done
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS>> I need to go right now
HP>> Why? We are not finished here
HPS>> I banged my head on the desk when I got up-- hard-- I am bleeding all over my computer. I need to go to the ER for stitches
HPS has left the chatroom**
HP>> OK, we'll make this a healing circle instead
INITIATE>> I have to go too, my mom is in the hallway screaming and wants to know what I am doing
INITIATE has left the chatroom**
HP>> OK, everyone go light candles and we'll try to do this again tomorrow night
10. "Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?"
9. "Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?"
8. "Would you like to come over to my place and widdershins?"
7. "Your feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long."
6. "Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?"
5. "Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not legal marriage."
4. "So, do you draw down the moon here often?"
3. "What's a nymph-goddess like you doing in a circle like this?"
2. "You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen."
1. "Is that a Maypole in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
courtesy of Travis Osborne, 2013
If you're at a Pagan gathering or event and have a fart that escapes you, here's how you can bring some smiles and laughter. During or after the fart's escape, say:
"Ah! Negative energy spirit!"
(This was first done by Travis immediately following a home cleansing. Before anything could be said, the joke processed and I laughed about it the rest of the evening. Give it a try!)
Source: The Pagan Library
How many Gardnerians does it take to change a light bulb?
Can't say. It's oathbound.
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
Same number as Gardnerians.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
None - if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me!
How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many Dianacs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change.
How many Dianic women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's W-I-M-M-I-N, and that's not funny!
How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen; one to hold the bulb, and twelve to drink enough to make the room spin.
How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.
How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Crowley never wrote a book about it.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, one not to change it.
How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The universe changes the light bulb & the Zen Master gets the **** out of the way!
Source: Pagan and Proud of It
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
13. I live for persecution!
12. I'm a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you come back...
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!
10. So they'll go with any color of robe.
9. So you can cover up nicks & scratches with shoe polish.
8. It's slimming (can't have fat athames, can we?).
7. It doesn't show dirt.
6. Because finding a dropped athame in an outdoor ritual in the dark is a test of loyalty to your faith.
5. It's so much more dignified than chartreuse.
4. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
3. Someone spilled all the paints together and that's what ended up.
2. No, no! Black is for winter rituals -- use white before Labor Day!
And the #1 reason athames handles are black....
1. So that we'd have something to argue about other than how "athame" is pronounced!
Celtic Faerie Shaman:
King Arthur Pendragon: