This is a small gathering of Pagan jokes and humor I came across over the years, and--unless otherwise noted--the original source and/or author is unknown.
If you have a Pagan-related joke you would like to see featured here, please send us an email.
If you've found yourself offended by anything here, be sure to visit The Cauldron's page How to Recognize Humour for a quick explanation of why that may be.
New Age Witch vs. NeoPagan Witch
Q: How do you tell a New Age witch from a NeoPagan Witch?
A: You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch will float, whereas the New Age Witch will sink under the weight of all her overpriced crystals....
A Pagan in Heaven
A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?"
"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.
"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course." "B-but I don't believe..."
"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.
"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks.
"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path."
"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"
"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."
"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"
"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left."
So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good." A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"
"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"
"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.
"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.
"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.
"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.
"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"
"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"
"Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on.
"Are you serious...?" he finally asked.
Satan grinned at him innocently. "Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"
Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth. Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"
Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"
Top Ten Reasons Why Witches Don't Worship Satan
10- Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9- Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8- Hard to keep flaming goat's skulls lit.
7- Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6- Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet.
5- Wailing of the damned souls in hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4- The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3- Repeated stooping motions for administering the Kiss of Shame (is difficult on the older coven members).
2- Demons smell even worse than brimstone
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY WITCHES DON'T WORSHIP SATAN...
1- Impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!!
Why M&M's Are Wiccan
- MM = Merry Meet
- Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons
- Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related
- Associations with the colors:
- Red = South
- Green = West
- Dark Brown = North
- Yellow = East
- Orange = For the Solar God
- Light Brown = For the Earth Mother
- Rotate the M & M:
- M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are often 13 members in a coven
- 3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon
- W = Witchcraft, Wiccan
- E = Enlightenment
Bill Gates Book on Wicca
- The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.
- Iconology would be a major chapter.
- A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months without which your magic would no longer work.
- Your broom would crash at least once a week.
- Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
- A book of shadows would be called the folder of magic.
- A free high speed connection spell would come with every book.
- Ever now and then, your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the reboot ritual to get it working.
- If you used the more powerful MagicNT rituals, the above would happen to all circles within a 5 mile radius.
- At least once a month, you would have to reinstall your spells into your folder of magic.
- You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle. (And cake and wine would only be available after a sign from the Goddess saying it was safe to do so.)
This joke is from: http://www.ecauldron.com/humor27.php
The Top 10 Ways To Annoy A Pagan
10. Sayyyyyyy, is that a Jewish star?
9. No, then you must listen to Motley Crue, right? Not that, either? I know, it's a ... a ... Pentacost, right?
8. You guys really worship the devil, huh? Cool, I, like, listen to Black Sabbath, like, all the time, dude.
7. Oh, you're a Witch! I'm like, totally into, like, Goddess Consciousness. I sleep with a crystal every night, and have an Atlantean spirit guide. Will you teach me all the secrets of your religion?
6. I hear you Pagans do all your stuff in the nude. Wanna show me?
5. You will all burn in Hell. The Goddess is really Satan in drag. You don't believe in Satan? Boy, does he have you fooled!
4. Fascinating. I'm a sociologist; may I study you as a phenomena?
3. Do you really believe in all that nonsense?
2. You worship the Goddess? Poor thing; you obviously haven't heard about Jesus. Here, let me tell you...
And (drum roll, please):
1. You're a witch, huh? Well, I'm initiated at a higher level than you. I was initiated at the age of seven by my grandmother, who was the last of the Atlantean Trad Elvish Ninja Masters. I don't suppose YOU have any lineage.
An Online Initiation Ritual
copyright Raven Gilmartin 2000
HPS>> Before we start our initiation ritual, I have an announcement. Fluffy Moon Ferret has totally burned out her hard drive and probably won't be able to get back on line for at least two weeks
EAST>> Darn! She was going to teach us how to make cyber corn dollies next week :-(
HP>> Can I suggest that we table this and get down to business?
EAST>> Yes, sorry
HP>> We're about to start the initiation ritual. Is everyone ready?
INITIATE>> I am ready
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
NORTH>> Sorry, I had to reboot
HPS>> Ok, we are all here. Initiate, are you skyclad and ready?
INITIATE>> Not yet-- hold on, I need to get a pillow
INITIATE>> Yes, I have a metal chair here at my desk. OK-- BRB
>~~(2 minute pause)~~
INITIATE>> Ok, I am ready and skyclad
HPS>> Good, now do you have the cord?
INITIATE>> Yes, I have an orange one I got on sale at the fabric store today, is that ok?
HP>> It will have to do. OK, now, tie your hands behind your back, then bring the cord up around your neck...
INITIATE>> Ummm.... I can't do that by myself..
HPS>> Do you have anyone there to help you?
INITIATE>> Only my mom, but she would kill me if she knew what I was doing in here
HP>> OK, forget the cord. Do you have the blindfold?
INITIATE>> Yes, I do
HPS>> OK, put the blindfold on and don't peek while we cast the circle. Give us about four minutes
INITIATE>> OK, I'm going to put the blindfold on now, how will I know when you are ready for me?
HP>> Do you have an alarm clock?
INITIATE>> Yes, but it's in my room
HP>> Can you go get it?
INITIATE>> Yes, but I'd have to put my clothes on-- my mom is in the next room
HPS>> Never mind, just put on the blindfold and count to 240
>~~(4 minute pause)~~
HPS>> Maybe he got disconnected?
INITIATE>> I am here-- are you ready for me?
HPS>> Yes, the circle is cast. Do you have your sword?
HP>> Yes, while you imagine that I am holding my sword with the tip against your heart I want you to hold your sword in the same way
INITIATE>> I don't have a sword..
HP>> Do you have an athame?
HP>> Do you have anything sharp in there?
INITIATE>> There's a pen on the desk..
HP>> Ok, point the pen at your heart
HP>> How do you enter this circle?
INITIATE>> In perfect love and perfect trust
HPS>> Good, now I need to whisper the sacred words to you
HPS>> Yes, do you have two phone lines? I can call you with them
INITIATE>> No, only one?
HPS>> Ok, I'll e-mail them to you BRB
HPS has left the chat room**
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS has joined the chat room**
HPS>> Ok, I mailed them
INITIATE>> OK, I'll go look
INITIATE has left the chat room**
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
INITIATE has joined the chatroom**
INITIATE>> I can't get into my hotmail-- I keep getting a message that the servers are down
HPS>> OK, you can get them later. Now imagine that I am pushing you from behind into the circle
INITIATE>> from behind?
HPS>> Yes, kinda like you are tilted, I am holding on to the cord. Oh wait.. no cord.. ok, just pretend I am pushing you into the circle
HPS>> Now we are going to go around the circle three times.
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS>> Now we're stopping in front of the altar and I am holding the scourge
HP>> You must kneel at the altar while the High Priestess scourges you
INITIATE>> Do you want me to imagine that I am kneeling in front of the altar or do you really want me to kneel in front of my computer?
HP>> Can you kneel and still see the screen?
HPS>> If he kneels he must also put his head down on the floor
HP>> Well, I guess he can't kneel then
HPS>> Yes, he can, I have an idea. Initiate--kneel and put your head to the floor and imagine that I am scourging you
HPS>> I am now scourging you
>~~(2 minute pause)~~
HPS>> Initiate you must now scourge me twice as many times
>~~(1 minute pause)
INITIATE>> I am here, now what do I need to do?
HP>> You must imagine that you are scourging the High Priestess
WEST>> I need to go-- the baby woke up and needs to be fed
HP>> Can you feed him at the computer?
WEST>> Yes, I'll bring him back here with me. North, can you cut me a door?
>~~( 1 minute pause)~~
WEST>> I really need to go-- the baby is crying
NORTH>> Sorry, I had to reboot
HP>> Can you cut West a door? NOW?
NORTH>> OK, all set
WEST has left the chatroom**
HPS>> Ok, should we continue or wait until West comes back?
SOUTH>> I think we should continue
EAST>> We should wait
WEST has joined the chatroom**
WEST>> I am back, North can you cut me back in?
>~~( 1minute pause)~~
NORTH>> Sorry, I had to reboot. West you are all set
HP>> Ok, where were we?
HPS>> The initiate has to scourge me. I am going to kneel down here now, and imagine that he is applying the scourge
INITIATE>> Ok, I am imagining that I am scourging the High Priestess
>~~( 2 minute pause)~~
INITIATE>> I am done
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS>> I need to go right now
HP>> Why? We are not finished here
HPS>> I banged my head on the desk when I got up-- hard-- I am bleeding all over my computer. I need to go to the ER for stitches
HPS has left the chatroom**
HP>> OK, we'll make this a healing circle instead
INITIATE>> I have to go too, my mom is in the hallway screaming and wants to know what I am doing
INITIATE has left the chatroom**
HP>> OK, everyone go light candles and we'll try to do this again tomorrow night
Signs Your Child Might Be A Witch
- Your child asks to use the broom to cleanse, I mean clean, their room.
- There is always a steak knife missing.
- Your smallest pan keeps disappearing and reappearing, and always smells like ashes and potpourri.
- All your candle holders are missing.
- They now enjoy going to the fabric store with you and they want thread, ribbon and cloth of every color of the rainbow.
- Their Christmas and Birthday wish lists consist of: a white or black full length bathrobe, blank journal books, window box herb gardens and a box of candles in assorted colors.
- You just figured out that every full or new moon your child asks to have 3 friends spend the night; and strangely they are very quiet all night.
- Your child now says "Merry Meet Again" every morning to you and whenever they leave they say "Merry Part".
- Your recipe cards are disappearing and when you do find them you can't make since of the recipe since it doesn't require any actual cooking.
- Your child has a new ID bracelet that reads something like "RavenMoon" "StarWolf" or "SunDragon"
- Your child asks you one day for a compass, four pails of paint; blue, green, red, and yellow, so that they can paint their room correctly.
- They insist that their first car be the color brown and have a license plate that says BROOM.
- Their pillows are now filled with all your potpourri.
- You ask your child to rake up the autumn leaves in the yard, and they come back with a small stick and a large stick; which you later find to have shiny objects on them and unidentifiable etchings.
- Once a jar gets emptied in your house it ends up in your child's room filled with various objects like pins, needles, hair, honey, paper, and soil.
Top 10 Pagan Pick-Up Lines
10. "Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?"
9. "Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?"
8. "Would you like to come over to my place and widdershins?"
7. "Your feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long."
6. "Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?"
5. "Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not legal marriage."
4. "So, do you draw down the moon here often?"
3. "What's a nymph-goddess like you doing in a circle like this?"
2. "You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen."
1. "Is that a Maypole in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
You Might Be a Redneck Witch If...
- You use the rebel flag as the altar cloth.
- Your pentacle is etched into a 57 Chevy hubcap.
- Your call to the god and goddess is "HEY y'all looky here!"
- You refer to the god as Bubba.
- Calling down the moon hears like "get your butt down here right now."
- Enacting the great rite is a family thing.
- Your chalice is an old mayo jar.
- You don't use candles because tiki torches are so much easier to see.
- Your altar is propped up on cinder blocks.
- Skyclad is your normal attire around the house.
A Pagan Fart Joke
courtesy of Travis Osborne, 2013
If you're at a Pagan gathering or event and have a fart that escapes you, here's how you can bring some smiles and laughter. During or after the fart's escape, say:
"Ah! Negative energy spirit!"
(This was first done by Travis immediately following a home cleansing. Before anything could be said, the joke processed and I laughed about it the rest of the evening. Give it a try!)
Light Bulb Jokes
Source: The Pagan Library
How many Gardnerians does it take to change a light bulb?
Can't say. It's oathbound.
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
Same number as Gardnerians.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
None - if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me!
How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many Dianacs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change.
How many Dianic women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's W-I-M-M-I-N, and that's not funny!
How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen; one to hold the bulb, and twelve to drink enough to make the room spin.
How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.
How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Crowley never wrote a book about it.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, one not to change it.
How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The universe changes the light bulb & the Zen Master gets the **** out of the way!
History Of Medicine
Source: Pagan and Proud of It
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Top Thirteen Reasons To Be Pagan
13. I live for persecution!
12. I'm a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you come back...
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!
Top Ten Reasons Athame Handles Are Black
10. So they'll go with any color of robe.
9. So you can cover up nicks & scratches with shoe polish.
8. It's slimming (can't have fat athames, can we?).
7. It doesn't show dirt.
6. Because finding a dropped athame in an outdoor ritual in the dark is a test of loyalty to your faith.
5. It's so much more dignified than chartreuse.
4. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
3. Someone spilled all the paints together and that's what ended up.
2. No, no! Black is for winter rituals -- use white before Labor Day!
And the #1 reason athames handles are black....
1. So that we'd have something to argue about other than how "athame" is pronounced!
Things You'll Never Hear a Pagan Say
Source: Mona Magick
- Yes, we admit it - we nicked everything from the Gardnerians.
- Guinevere was really a Pictish warrior princess!
- I think "The Sword in the Stone" is a really great film.
- But your Sun sign is the most important sign!
- Sorry I'm late - it was a traffic jam and not anything planetary at all.
- I'm a big fan of astronomy.
- We're about to enter the Age of Aquarius. Meh.
Celtic Faerie Shaman:
- I'd better read up on that before I write a book about it...
- I read the Tain bo Cuailgne in its original language.
- Of course, we don't actually know anything about the historical Celts.
- I hate Celtic knotwork.
- Bloody bog trotters and sheep shaggers!
- I find Cerridwen to be a very nice Goddess, don't you?
- No, no, no! You're doing it all wrong!
- I think H.P. Lovecraft books are unimaginative.
- This table of correspondences is too complicated...
- I think it's about time I settled down with a family and started going to church...
- I like my Mother.
- I used to think I knew my stuff, but now I've read Silver Ravenwolf I'm willing to step down.
- I couldn't fit this into Kabbalah!
- Shall we have an open ritual for all the men?
- Face it - menstruation is just a bloody nuisance.
- The earliest cultures were patriarchal and peaceful.
- Sorry, I can't come to the ritual tonight - my husband's ill.
- Hang on, that doesn't make any sense!
- Nope, too weird for me.
- Eris is just a minor Goddess - we can ignore her.
- No, no, no, no, no! First you cast the circle, then you fill the bathtub with brightly coloured East German power tools, only after all that do you give your offerings to Eris! Keep to the structure people!
- I agree with Time Team's action at Seahenge.
- No cider for me, thanks.
- Oh I couldn't possibly sing that! I'm too embarrassed!
- I think English Heritage is doing a great job.
- You must remain true to each culture's specific traditions and practices!
- That has no value to my spiritual path whatsoever.
- My way is the only true way to God!
- Attributing that meaning to that deity ignores the wider context.
- Let's go to MacDonald's!
- That tree's got bad energy - cut it down!
- Recycling is for ******* with a guilty conscience.
- Actually, I think GM is an interesting approach to...
- I just love what George Bush is doing with his Presidency.
- Protesting? Nah, it's just a waste of time.
- I've never been on an anti-capitalist demonstration.
- I bought shares in Esso/Nestlé/Microsoft/MacDonalds.
- Yes, Ron Hutton - nice guy, excellent research.
- No way, that's too gimmicky!
- I read this in a book and just had to validate it by cross-referencing it against this academic journal...
- I never do anything unless it's got empirical proof.
- I don't believe that.
- Y'know, I think Aleister Crowley was a very enlightened individual...
- No, YOU can't be a Faerie Priestess.
- Actually, we'll skip the scourging for this ritual...
- For Gods' sakes, put your clothes back on!
- Nah, I made it all up.
- Right, let's make this ritual short and simple.
- I think you can only be a real witch if you're initiated into a coven.
- No, online Pagan forums hold no charm for me.
King Arthur Pendragon:
- For goodness sake, we can drink later - keep your minds on the ritual!
- I've got too many crystals.
- Some of my best friends are Satanists.
- You want me to heal you with that??!!
- Hello, I'm a New Ager.
- Yes, I was initiated into Gardner's original coven in 1972. Eventually got my Third Degree, y'know.
- All this Native American stuff is just a fad.
- I think Glastonbury's crap.
- No, one of my past lives was not in Atlantis.
- I was no-one special in a past life.
- I think the British Empire was a really good idea...
- Call me fluffy, and I'll BLOODY KILL YOU!!!
- I'm teetotal.
- I quite like the idea of the Christian heaven.
- I'm a huge Wagner fan.
- Ralph Blum is my hero!
- Runes? Ah, I could take 'em or leave 'em.
- Freyja is not my ideal woman.
- It's an unbroken tradition you say? Okay, I'll take your word for it.
- Hekas, hekas, este Babloi!
- An' it harm none, do what ye will.
- I believe in the Law of Threefold Return.
- I hate egoists.
- Can I help you?
- I have immense respect for the Pope.
- Let's recite this Latin invocation forwards!
- Kids, just say no.
- Let's keep a sense of proportion and dignity in our magic.
- Yes it's true. I do suffer from penis envy.
- Y'know, I think I've got too many Tarot decks...
- No, that's only got a very tenuous link to the Tarot...
- That card means you're going to die!
- The King of Wands is really not my type.
- I don't think we can make a deck with that theme...
- I'm trying to bring out my Inner Child.
- Of course, the Book of the Law is a badly written fake...
- I don't think much of Goth or Industrial music, but how about that Cliff Richard?
- I enjoy wearing bright colours...
- I only wear black because it's slimming.
- I think Arthur Edward Waite was on the right track...
- Actually, I think Christianity is a really nice religion.
- Maybe Crowley did do too many drugs.
- You're eclectic are you? Cool!
- Here, eat these cookies - I've empowered them with love and light.
- Right, the first book I'm going to read is Triumph of the Moon...
- No, I don't think you're patronizing me or oppressing me at all!
And finally, ones we're all guilty of (or not, as the case may be)...
- Nah, let's not go down the pub tonight - isn't there anywhere else we can have a moot?
- Isn't it great that we all agree?
- Let's call our social events 'meetings'!
- Everybody here on time? Yes? Good.
- I agree with George Bush's policies...
- Monotheism is clearly a superior concept.
- Beltane celebration? Nah, I'll stay at home thanks.
- I don't see what's so great about Stonehenge...
- Tabloid journalists get their facts straight about Pagans...
- There should be a Pagan evangelical movement.
- You know all those recent cattle and horse mutilation crimes? That was us.
- I don't mind people taking the **** out of my spiritual path in a university society magazine...